Conflict is a natural and normal part of relationship success.  One way to understand this is to look at how conflict develops at different stages of relationship growth:

Stage I -- "You" Are My Answer

Relationships usually start as a seach for that  special somebody to make us feel happy.  Someone who validates us, understands us and makes us feel complete.  
In Stage I, the relationship  is romantic, exciting and blissful.   We focus on all positives and we are totally on our best behavior. 

After about 6 months, we start to depend on the other person.  When we start to really need that other person we also start to get scared of losing that person.  Our insecurities ( fear of inadequacy or fear of abandonment) are very unpleasant feelings.  So we react to those fear/insecure feelings by "protecting" ourselves, usually blaming our partner for why we feel so bad.  That is when the relationship moves to...



Stage II - "You" Are My PROBLEM

In Stage II, the person that you thought was the answer now seems so annoying!
Instead of talking about your icky  insecurities, you start focusing on how you want your partner to change.  Unfortunately  when you try to talk to your partner about his or her behavior, your partner reacts by feeling criticized.  Very quickly , both partners feel misunderstood and lose their sense of connection.  The positivity erodes and the negativity picks up steam.   

The disconnection is perpetuated when you have two very different styles of handing stress.  It's the fight or flight thing.  Some people react to their anxiety  by wanting to "fight" for connection and others react to their anxiety by wanting  to minimize or "avoid" to preserve connection.  The "fighter" stimulates the avoider to run and the avoider make the "fighter" want to yell louder and pursue harder.  Is your head spinning yet?

After many, many rounds of frustration couples lose that sense of "we" and start feeling hopeless.  Unfortunately, a lot of people give up at this stage to look for someone else "more promising."  But wait!!!  Before you give up hope, you pick up the phone and call a couples counselor (Rhonda Audia, LISW is the suggested choice) and she will explain to you that...



Stage III - "WE" Are The Problem

The problem is NOT you or the other person. The problem rather is what is going on  in between the two partners -the ineffective, "demon dialogue."  The two of you just need some new ways to talk about your insecurities.  The conflict is actually an opportunity to become more present to one another, in a very deep and meaningful way! With this understood both people learn to stop wasting precious energy trying to change one another.  Instead, couples learn how to reveal their attachment needs and learn to validate and comfort one another.   This is when genuine closeness starts.  Couples learn a variety of skills to understand differences, regulate their emotional reactivity and improve their communication.  Mutual understanding and mutual empowerment are the goals.    

  Stage IV - "WE" are the answer